Teetering Bluffs: A Story Of Addiction: Chapter 1 (One) - Jeffy Coitus Begins To Grow

CHAPTER 1 (ONE) - Jeffy Coitus Begins To Grow

This is a story, addicting.

As in, addiction is what the story will cause, center on, and allow to be its focus. For you see, the story is an entity unhappy with the present course. Entreaties have been made that I ask you to sail your ship of comprehension towards the bay of this new city (named Espantosoville). But who gives a shit, anyways.

Addiction is the biggest problem of the 21st century. Censure could be made for many, but what's the use. Romanticism and Addiction: This is the deadly combination. How many 90's wannabe grunge rockers addicted themselves to God knows what just because of Kurt Cobain? I wish none, but we all know better.

It's not a crime, it's just an addiction made romantic.

Ah, this story is addicting.

Today, Cocaine enters the realm of Coitus in Extrentosoville (his hometown). In a dank Crack Den, hazy, with dark brown wood showing through the ripped up carpet up the floor, a man named Torrence Clamwater drank a milkshake from one of those generic gas station paper cups. You know the kind- made usually by the Dixie corporation, bearing some odd ring of fragmented pattern around the middle of the cup, and usually orange or yellow. Sure you do. You're smart.

Torrence, or Rinse as his Crack Den pals knew him, was a policeman for the Escartinaville municipal court. Much to his chagrin, he was not a real cop, only a courtroom cop hired on an hourly wage of $16.45 and a brown paper bag with two stale donuts (Glazed). It was OK, and paid his bachelor bills. Which consisted of Water, Electricity, Apartment, Pepsi, Pornographic Website Subscriptions (his fetish for BBWs was well known), and Meth Amphetamines. Recently, as the astute reader will note, he had taken to chasing his Meth with Cocaine.

Still, most people weren't really sure why his nickname was Rinse. It didn't make sense at all. It was his big non-sequitur.

Rinse.

Rinse.

Rinse.

After showering off the fume of drogues and drogue addict friends, he headed naked to the front door of his apartment, and down the stairs to the lobby. He then walked to his sidewalk naked. Not, as many cliche-fed readers will assume, for his newspaper. Nor for his mail. No. Rinse was just an exhibitionist showing the world that he had more meat than potato in every sense of the word.

He weighed 190 pounds, and was 5' 2". Once he had been told by a large Italian defendant entering court that he was the perfect size for a love slave- no kneeling would be required. That day he decided to go to the gym more often.

At the gym, he discovered that walking around the locker room naked made men look away from him quickly. This he mistakenly took as a sign that they feared him and his penis (which he nicknamed "Mannschaft", mistaking it- as many do- for Penis. It's really German for "Team"), so he began to do it as often has he could.

Yet his apartment was in a rather seedy district, so naked men was not unusual, and recently he'd started getting amorous looks from Mindy, his landlord. Mindy Mashtatoor was a man of 5' 2" who had been physically castrated by his father at age 7 for masturbating to a picture of Brooke Shields. Believing this to be a sign of his son's impending homosexuality, his father got drunk and used a butane torch to heat up his K-BAR military knife which he then used to de-ball his son.

This served as enough of an arousal for Mindy that he became a homosexual, and would forever-after have feelings of lust for his father (who two years later died due to Mafia debts).

But the story has digressed. It's just that once you learn the backstories you get... well, who knows.

Addicting.

After re-entering his apartment Eight minutes later, Torrence "Rinse" Clamwater walked over to his closet which was laden with pictures of his first girlfriend, Corrine Tubdolor. She was 15 in all the pictures, because she left him at that age, and he still hadn't found a new girl. Kissing her picture "Goodbye, until tonight!" for the 724th time since moving into the apartment nearly two years prior, he dressed in his well-kept uniform, pinned on his plastic "Temporary Policeman" badge, and headed out the door again.

While walking the Four blocks to work, he found a note in his pants pocket from Mindy.

"Have a good day Baby. The dry cleaning, as always, is free!"

The note smelled like ball sweat, and Rinse didn't really wish to know why. He wondered for a moment whether letting Mindy, a proprietor of many things around town including a Dry Cleaners, clean his uniform once a week was truly the best call he could make. But then, it allowed him to have 15 more hits of Meth every paycheck due to savings, so he supposed he could ignore the vague hint of white stains that always mysteriously appeared inside the ass of his pants weekly.

He was fairly certain that Mindy had an addiction too.

Walking into the courthouse, he saluted the homely redhead at the front desk. Her named was Jori "The Frizz" Tungsten. Her hair was never frizzy, but he heard that it used to be. Instantly, Rinse felt silly for saluting her. She was only 23, and he was 24. This was a big difference to Rinse who had never really figured out the appropriate age range in high school. His only girlfriend had dated him for a week on a bet, and in that time they had fucked 16 times.

You see, Corrine Tubdolor had an addiction.

For the first time in a while, his boss Jeffrey Tilling was standing next to the time clock. Torrence was around Four minutes early, and this pleased Jeffrey who smiled at him.

"Hello Mr. Clamwater. How are ya today?" his jovial voice slid across the room the Rinse like slimy cottage milk. No one knew why Tilling adopted a fake country accent when speaking with Rinse. Rinse was from Las Vegas, and they were currently in Estrogeniraville, California.

"I'm doing OK, Mr. Tilling. How many cases am I assigned to guard the door for today, sir?" for a moment, he wished that he had saluted Tilling instead of The Frizz.

"None, none. Today yer gettin' promoted!" he practically shouted, before beginning to show signs of imminent laughter. These signs are well-known, so I won't take the time to list them here.

Surprise and excitement swept over Rinse, who was oblivious to the signs of laughter. "Sir, I wasn't aware promotion was possible! What will I be doing?"

Stepping aside in a fit of giggles that reminded rinse of how Corrine would giggle every time he asked if she was enjoying herself, Tilling revealed a small baby laid on a kitchen towel on the table where his lunch of two donuts (Glazed) would usually be.

"What's that baby doing here? And why's it naked?"Rinse asked, confused.

"Hell if I know. It's sure cute though!" Tilling said, laying on the accent heavily. "You look lonely, little guy!" he screamed at the baby's face, as though it were deaf. Picking it up, Tilling shook it, its tiny baby head flying around like... well, a tiny baby head flying around as its shaken violently by a 50-something guy using Just For Men and an online dating site in order to coerce young women into having sex with him. I mean shit, what the hell else do you want me to say? That's what it looked like.

"Cute little fellow," he said, finally, as he set it down on the table. It wasn't moving very much.

"I agree," Rinse replied. "So sir, what's this promotion you mentioned?"

Suddenly cracking up again, Tilling looked at Rinse practically crying from the laughter. "Oh yeah! You've been promoted to the unemployment line! You're fired!"

A cold swept down Torrence Clamwater's spine. "Sir, are you serious?"

"Nah, son, nah, I'm just fucking with you. Clock in and let's get down to courtroom Four." With that, Tilling left the room. He smelled vaguely of women's shampoo.

Relieved, Rinse sat down next to the time clock and the baby. He realized that he was late by nearly 3 minutes thanks to Mr. Tilling. It was in that moment that he vowed to burn down his house.

Feeling down in his pocket for his time card, he found a strange tablet at the bottom. Turning it over, he found a note on the back that read:

"Hey Baby! Try this! It's Mescaline!!!!!!!
-Mindy"

It was going to be a long day. He unwrapped the tab. But, thinking twice, he turned to the baby and put the pill in its mouth. "I hope this helps your headache little guy."

With that, he clocked in and left the room. In his head, he made a resolution to break his addiction to secretly cutting his thighs at night. Nine Inch Nails had badly influenced him. Part of his soul felt better, and his thighs were absolutely joyous that their fatty exteriors would finally not sting in the stuffy, cummy pantlegs.

A new day in the life of Torrence Clamwater had begun.

Moments later, a harried looking young man rushed into the Clock-In room. This man was addicted to Apple Schnapps, as many young men are.

"There you are Jeffy!" he shouted. "Come on now little guy, the Judge is gonna take you away from your mom and I if you don't quit running off!"

Jeffy did not understand what his father, Eric, was saying. He was quite drugged up.

END OF CHAPTER 1 (ONE)