Teetering Bluffs: A Story Of Hope: Chapter 3 (Three) - The Young, Uneventful Days Of Jeffy Coitus

Chapter 3 (THREE) - The Young, Uneventful days Of Jeffy Coitus

I know what you're thinking- this is a story of Hope?

Fuck you. You don't even know what you're thinking. And you're ugly.

Nastasya Norina was not ugly.

She was, in fact, quite beautiful to a certain set of men. As some women are. It just so happens, as you know, that some women don't have a universal appeal. I don't feel compelled to explain further.

And I really wish you'd stop interrupting me (discerning reader) because frankly we aren't here to talk. We're here so I can relate to you a story. Like all unreliable narrators, I'm going to do it whether you're talking or not.

Goddamn, they broke the mold of assholes on you. I Hope there's no one else like you reading this right now. I just can't handle it.

Anyways!

Nastasya Norina had an admirer, as all women usually do. Unless they're Nastasya's best, bipolar, histrionic (and a myriad of other disorders) friend Sola "The Onion" Sorrinto. She took a trip to Germany, at some point (there's a Hopeful thought). I can't remember if I've told you about her before or not. We really should just sit down and talk about all this at once. Just, like, when you have time.

So there's a really funny thing about being a girl beautiful to some and not to others. It's ingrained deep in the minds of all girls of this type. A simple, funny little truth like a funky song that you can't get out of your head. The kind that makes you dance like a moron in post office lines. You are just so unfortunate that you won't know what that funny thing is, because this chapter isn't about Nastasya Norina so much as it's about Kelvin Korea Kinter.

Did you giggle? His initials are KKK.

Anyways.

Kelvin's parents, like every parent who birthed a child in the Millennial Generation, weren't very bright. Through some accident of family history, television influence, INXS Fandom, and generally poor choices, he was blessed with a moniker that would see him mercilessly teased throughout all of school.

Naturally, because of this, he turned out to be a relatively well-rounded individual with psychotic parents whom he secretly tried to have hits put on (to no avail, as they lived in Middle America, and he had moved to California). When K3 went to college, he was a boring young man who couldn't make anyone laugh. But he had an especial talent with math formulas.

For that reason, one night he ended up in the dorm room of Kiley Merona. Kiley was not a prom queen veteran, but she was a homecoming princess runner up. Since K3, who was built in a very ho-hum sort of way, with a slight paunch, and a high voice, wasn't exactly a girl's dream, he'd never had experience in that area.

Although he had been kissed before, thankfully. It was a 65 year old woman from down the block. He brought her some NyeKwill from his parent's medicine cabinet when she called their house and pleaded for it. To repay him, she let him make out with her catatonic granddaughter, July Carter.

They didn't have a lot of Hope that she'd ever wake up, so they thought maybe the feeling of a boy on her (even one as admittedly mediocre and not-quite-a-catch as K3) might make things a bit better.

Have I ever mentioned how popular drug use is? I Hope so.

So, in the dorm room of Kiley Merona, K3 was beginning to feel the strain in his pants as she got closer. In actuality she was not at all interested in K3, nor was she interested in his math solutions that she might've figured out herself after a little work. Kiley just didn't like being alone. Most women don't.

It's a weakness in character that afflicts even the most intelligent of women. And Kiley Merona was certainly that.

"Kelvin?" she said quietly, interrupting his explanation of some Eulerean boring.

"Yeah?" he said, trying to play it cool. He accomplished it, as you might've been Hoping.

"... Do you think my roommate is hot?" she asked with a slight giggle.

"Umm, do you mean Sola?" he was confused.

"Yes, Sola." she said, suddenly less giggly. Kiley was not a woman of any patience. Few are.

"Oh, I guess..." his non-committal answer fell out of his mouth like food from the mouth of a fat, blathering idiot who doesn't pay any goddamn attention when they're eating and gets my fucking carpet all dirty because they can't eat over a fucking plate.

Kiley Merona was one of the most spiteful women in existence. It was at this moment that all Hope for K3's future happiness was likely snuffed.

"Well then," she said, a grin blossoming on her admittedly pretty face. "How about I hook you two up?" she brushed back her red hair, still smiling in such a sinister fashion that it's a wonder that K3 didn't spy her plan sooner.

"Umm... uhh..." K3, while an intelligent young man, was thoroughly worthless in this area. I mean, really really just pure trash.

"Great!" Kiley shouted.

That was 4 (FOUR) years ago. The point at which K3 entered into Nastasya's life came by accident, as most things do.

In a rare moment of thoughtfulness for his dead ex-girlfriend, KKK went to Sola's grave. Some will cite God as the reason for this meeting, but knowing the story of what happens next as I do, I assure you that is more than Hopeful.

Nastasya Norina was not ugly.

She was, in fact, quite beautiful to a certain set of men. As some women are. It just so happens, as you know, that some women don't have a universal appeal. I don't feel compelled to explain further.

What I do feel compelled to explain further is the situation.

Lemme draw you a picture.

No fuck that, I'll just tell you.

The sky was not grey, but if that helps you set up the scene, go ahead and believe that it is. In fact it was that ugly sort of blue that comes when the sun is too bright and your eyes are in pain to even look near the clouds. There was a thin mist of these aforementioned clouds lingering about as well, like pubes just starting to grow back in after a shaving. The grass was not freshly mowed, but it wasn't that high yet.

Nastasya was not dressed in black, but actually was wearing tight jeans that revealed how tiny her legs were. She was wearing a fitted shirt as well. I only wear baggy t-shirts, so I don't really feel qualified to tell you more about it.

Nah I'm just kidding. I Hope you know that.

So when K3 walked up to Sola's grave and found Nastasya there, he was immediately taken. I mean, he's a boring guy, what do you expect. As a matter of fact, I hardly feel like telling you anything more about that.

"Hello," Nastasya greet Kelvin cooly. Not disinterested, just her style.

"Hey, who are you? Did you know Sola?" Kelvin responded. After dating Sola for quite some time, he hadn't met this girl before.

She nodded, her brown hair catching in the breeze. Yes, it was breezy. There's another detail for you. Add it to your damn painting. "I knew her back in high school. I always thought she was kind of crazy, but I never expected her to... well... die a violent, crazy death."

"Yeah she was basically crazy. I mean that with all respects of course..." K3 realized his rudeness almost too late.

"I take it you knew her well then," Nastasya smiled, her less-than-white teeth wet and dull behind her lips.

"Actually, I dated her until she got institutionalized. Crazy, yeah?"

Wow. This dialogue is really tacky. Let me do us both a favor and fast forward. I Hope you're still OK, you look a little sick.

So, basically, these two banter on really boringly for about 20 minutes until they both come to the conclusion that Sola is an annoying whore who was fat and had vaguely Garlicky breath all the time. Big surprise there.

Also of no surprise is that later that day they would go out together to get food under the pretense of sharing stories about Sola. As you, astute reader, have already figured out, they had no interest in Sola at all but rather in each other. K3 thought she had a hot rack of B Cups (he really didn't know any better) and Nastasya thought that he probably had at least an average cock.

Meetings of chance, blah blah blah, fucking, blah blah blah.

Waking up the next morning in her bed, K3 felt sick. He, like many idiots, always imagined his first time being romantic. Instead, he had fucked a sociopath who was now watching Fox News in the other room. No, I'm not kidding, she was really watching Fox News.

"Did you see this?" she asked, looking at the television set.

The question annoyed him. Of course he hadn't seen it. The last thing he'd seen were her rather so-so tits with odd shaped orangish-brown nipples.

"Some guy went nuts and shot his wife, a UPS guy, and then apparently he got into a car with a lady on the street and mutilated her," Nastasya said.

"Oh, why'd he do that?" K3 asked, not paying any attention to her words but rather staring through her rather sheer robe at the tits that were somehow looking more attractive now that he was up.

"I dunno. The guy on Fox News says he is suspected of having terrorist ties. They say they found a suspicious number of Home Exteriors boxes outside their house," she said, scratching her arm idly.

"Oh... wait, what?"

At that moment, the doorbell rang. K3 cringed at the chime; it was louder than it needed to be.

"Shit!" Nastasya threw the remote down and looked, panicked, at Kelvin. "Can you get that while I go put on something?"

"Umm, sure..." K3 walked towards the door.

Hoping to get whoever it was away quickly (he was horny), K3 opened the door.

It was a cop. Naturally!

"Uh, Hi, I'm looking for Ms. Norina..." the cop said, trying not too look at the fact that Kelvin was wearing only boxers, and that they were on backwards.

"Oh, yeah... she's uhh, just, powdering her nose is all..." Kelvin immediately wished he hadn't said that. I mean, have you ever heard a more stupid time to use that line? Have you ever heard a time when using that line would be appropriate?

"Well, when she's done, I'm here to escort her to Espantosoville hospital," the officer whose badge read "MORKIN" was clearly uncomfortable.

"Really? Why's that?" K3 was suddenly concerned that the first girl he'd ever slept with had some sort of disease.

"Yes, I'd like to know too," said Nastasya who had stuck her head around a corner. She still wasn't wearing pants, but had managed to dress otherwise.

"Ms. Norina, your sister Mollie was one of the victims in a string of murders yesterday... it appears that she was an incidental casualty... I'm very sorry." MORKIN was shuffling his feet uncomfortably now, and wringing his fingers together. For a moment, Kelvin wondered why he wasn't holding his hat in his hands like the do in the movies.

Nastasya was silent for a moment as she sank down onto the arm of a somewhat fluffy, mostly uncomfortable chair. She then looked up at the officer, and K3 noticed for the first time that her eyes were a very dark shade of green. Previously he had thought them brown. "So, what do you need me for then? I obviously dont' need to identify her body."

"Oh, that, yes," MORKIN was visibly made more uncomfortable. "Well, your sister had recently adopted a young baby. This child was in the car at the time of the murder, and your mother insists that you're willing to keep it for the time being so that it doesn't have to go back into state care..."

"What the hell!" Nastasya shouted angrily, launching herself off the arm of the chair. Tensing visibly, her tiny legs supported a body that looked more likely to strike Officer MORKIN than speak with him. "This is highly unusual, using the police to fetch a girl to take care of a child whose mother has just been murdered!"

Officer MORKIN looked at the floor. In his head he was laughing, because he'd just thought of a really funny joke. He'd look up, right into her angry little eyes, and say "Yeah, well so is getting shot in the face, am I right?" then they'd all laugh. That, or they would throw him off the balcony of her back porch.

So instead, he settled for the truth. "Well, Ms. Norina, your mother has a lot of connections... and... well... could you just come with me please?"

K3 stood up and turned to Nastasya, "Do you want me to leave?"

"Hell yes I do!" and with that, she stormed to the back of her apartment to dress.

Naturally, the scene had left both MORKIN and K3 all the more uncomfortable. As Kelvin dress, MORKIN felt as though he should say something, but he stayed silent as it was clear K3 was angry.

"Listen guy," K3 said as he pushed his way past the officer and into the hallway, "what room at the hospital is that baby in?"

MORKIN was surprised at the question, "216, why?" All too late, he realized his mistake.

With a devious grin, Kelvin nodded at the officer. "Thanks a lot!" He turned quickly, nearly bowling over Mindy Mashtatoor. "Oh, sorry about that..." he said as he continued towards the stairs.

"No problem," Mindy said as he watched Kelvin go. Turning to Officer Morkin, he said calmly "I Hope there's no problem here, sir."

END CHAPTER 3 (THREE)