Chapter 7 (Seven) - Jeffy Coitus And The Media
Extravagance.
As a concept, hardly one to make mention of.
Extravagance is decadence that hasn't grown customary. Yet.
Nothing is more extravagant than a local news station feud. Nothing.
Stop arguing with me, you asshole. And you were so quiet the past couple chapters...
So, as I was saying.
Maria Tunderro was an extravagant lady. She gave birth to a son named Kevin who would remain a closeted homosexual until he went to the university. Then, like all niche group members who go to college, he chose to become an extremist.
On campus, he formed a group of gay rights activists who took to near-terrorist actions to get attention. Unfortunately this group's cry for equal rights (to be clear, they already had them) was overshadowed by their typically whiny, never productive rally's that ended with damage totals in the low 1000s (Thousands) on a good day.
After that he decided to petition for equal rights in forums like the student government. Unfortunately, as Kevin would fail to realize, student governments never accomplish anything. So he would leave college with a bachelor's in Mass Media and a healthy lack of appreciation for his rights.
You see, it's the niche group mentality that makes members believe they are not special enough to be normal. I know, you don't have to tell me they're wrong, I just indicated it with the entire tone of the previous passage!
Goddamn! Shutup! You are really annoying me.
Kevin wouldn't be hired directly out of college. As a matter of fact, he would have a very hard time finding a job, because of his ties to extremist groups in college (Patriot Act).
His friend Tony, however, had no trouble. Tony was a member of the peaceful gay rights group that Kevin would eventually join. With a blemish free record (Patriot Act) he found getting work quite easy.
Hired by Channel 15 news, Espantosoville and Currantboraboratown broadcast, Tony landed (ironically) in the middle of a war. The two major Espantosoville/Currantboraboratown networks with local news were 15 and 16. And both spent massive amounts of cash to try to convince gullible housewives everywhere that they were the best.
Idiots who buy into local news I-Team reports ate the battle up, and took sides.
Channel 15 was the clear winner on the weather side of things.
It's worth noting that stupid people/rednecks judge a news station based on their weather reports.
They had dumped more than 55% (Extravagant) of their budget into pointless sattellites and scanners that gave them different colored readouts to display to people of the same weather systems. So, for example, anonymous Sea Storm D could be either pink red green, or blue, dark blue, teal.
Enthralling.
Then, as if this wasn't a cheap enough ploy, they labeled their weather reporting as High Definition because they had a computer program that showed the actual textures of clouds.
No, I'm not kidding.
"Coming up as we begin our newscast is our Alpha Omega Supreme Quad-Doppler XTREME Weather Report, so be sure to join us! Channel 15 news at 5 (Five) is up next." Cheesy newscaster smile.
"OK Tony, take a breather. You're good for a minute," a crewman next to him, behind a camera said. He had thinning hair, and was only 25.
Tony thought that was a damned shame.
"You look a bit tense tonight, something the matter?" the crewman, Dave, asked.
"Just worried about some things going down with my brother across town. He's stuck in jail for something until I get over there and bail him out. Not a good thought, eh?" he laughed, eyes fixed on the head of hair that appeared even more wispy and thin as Dave walked up to him. He felt a strange urge to laugh.
"Yeah? You mean Kelvin?" he asked, his hair glinting under the bright lights as if it were a tiny set of filaments.
Shaking his head, Tony replied "If you know about some other brother I have I guess now's the time to mention it."
"Well sheesh man, sorry, sorry" he said, adjusting some cable on the floor. OK, so I don't know if he really did that or not. I mean, it's a convincing detail isn't it? Forgive me for not asking about every tiny little thing that Tony More-Salt-Than-Pepper did! I know almost everything else but that tiny detail and-
OK fine! I'll stop!
...
...
...
Apology accepted.
"So what happened? He get in trouble for being a creepass?" he asked, adjusting some cable on the floor.
"Yeah, sorta. Apparently he tried to kidnap a baby. Or something," Tony said, reading over his notes for the next set of stories.
Shaking his head, Dave ducked behind the cameras again. "Why would that silly fucker do that? I mean, he's weird, but I always thought he was pretty level."
(The countdown behind the camera began)
"You'd think. He's always been a bit of a rapist candidate, you ask me," Tony said. Unfortunately, the last seven (7) words were aired to the entire Espantosoville / Currantboraboratown broadcast area.
Dave looked sick for a moment, then had to walk away as he began to crack up. He couldn't think of a nicer asshole for this misfortune to strike.
"Sorry about that folks! To begin our 5 (Five) PM broadcast here on 15 (Fifteen), we go to our weatherman Denny Spuzz who heads up our weather technology center which, as you know, is still #1 in the Espantosoville and Currantboraboraville... err, town, sorry, viewing area. Denny, how's that smog looking?" Underneath the desk, Tony was stabbing himself in the leg with a capped pen.
Straight face.
Grinning like all half-braindead weathermen are wont to do, Denny replied "So glad you asked, Tony! The smog is..."
And the audience falls asleep.
"Back to you at the newsdesk, Tony!"
"Thanks a lot Denny. Here's the top stories for the 5 o'clock hour folks. Police are investigating new developments in the local triple homicide/maiming and suicide/housefire that ravaged a small Espantosoville neighborhood a week and a half ago. Documents found in the rubble indicate to Police and Homeland Security that the murderer and suicide victim, Taylor Tungsten, was a member of several prominent terrorist groups online including "Chat 4 Free Singles" which has been a known front for Osama Bin Ladle and his terrorist band.
"Other evidence on site includes a stockpile of Home Exteriors products that might have been used in the production of a dirty bomb, or perhaps a full blown WMD. Police are continuing to investigate the items that didn't burn up in the housefire set by the murderer, presumably to hide his terrorist leanings.
"Friends and family of Lydia Tungsten plan to have another Home Exteriors party in a week and a half. It will be the second "In Memory of Lydia Tungsten" Home Exteriors sales party since Taylor Tungsten brutally disemembered a delivery boy, flayed open his wife and hung her intestines from a nearby tree, beheaded an innocent driver on the street in front of a baby, then went back into his home where he set a large fire with a military grade flamethrower before blowing his own body up with a brick of C4."
Not entirely sure why, Tony nearly giggled as he read the last bit.
"Last night during our broadcast, across town from the Tungsten slayings, another housefire, claiming three (3) lives was reported in the 2200 block of Floxy Street. That report is being complicated today by what police discovered after arriving at the fire."
Tony continued stabbing himself in the side of his leg with the pen to hold back the giggling. Perhaps, he thought, he should take some sick leave...
"As reported late last night exclusively on 15, the home of local court officer Jeffrey Tilling was burned nearly to the ground, claiming his life and the life of two other young women. Upon further investigation, police say the deadly fire was set by an arsonist.
"Local fire volunteers arrived at the blaze as quickly as possible, and managed to contain the fire quickly. Unfortunately, they arrived too late to save the three people inside the house. They were impeded by some confusion at the front gate of "Tricky Dick's Gated Community."
"Police say that the death toll could've been far more, because Mr. Tilling was hosting a retirement party at the time. Here's what some of them had to say about this tragic crime:"
Cut to a shady looking college dropout standing next to three other college dropouts-
"Yeah, we were just finishing up a song, and I thought I smelled a barbecue, but really I was smelling a housefire! Totally ruined our set. Nobody was even listening after that."
Cut to a man whose moustache vaguely made one think of bikers, or some breed of animal, or something-
"Oh dear. Oh dear. This signals terrible things for my retirement. I'm considering calling the whole retirement thing off!"
Cut to a disheveled looking man in a Sade shirt-
"Umm, it seems like, uhh, this was a really tragic happening... like, really bad."
Cut to a young lawyer with a distinctive giggle-
"And I was quite enjoying the snacks too. Only I don't know who'd do this to Fine Mr. Tilling! Hehehehehehehehehe."
Tony back on camera, the lights beginning to make him sweat. In fact, the whole studio was warm. Swamp ass approached, slowly and upleasantly.
"Police are still looking for suspects to charge with the crime. Funeral services have yet to be announced for either Nicky East or Jeffrey Tilling. There is no word yet on the identity of the third victim. An investigation is ongoing."
Shuffling his notes quickly, Tony began the next story about a gas station holdup on the edge of Espantosoville. Laughing fits shook his ribcage as he muffled them. Panic.
Panic.
Pain in the leg.
"Espantosoville police have a suspect in custody. The owner of the Jimmy Dong's station, surprisingly, has expressed no interest in pressing charges.
"When we return from the break, we go to our sports expert Danny Rampling and see just how well the Espantosoville Emigrants were able to swing against the pitching power of Porfy Lutz and the Groverfield Gaspers. Also, is your car able to run on water alone? Our special investigator Paul Oakenfold works with reporter Nicky Holloway to find out. Only on Channel 15 (Fifteen!) news. Stick around folks."
Monitors and televisions and screens of all sorts switched to commercial. Ted's Trucks, in Currantboraboratown.
Meanwhile, dropping his pen, Tony Kinter began to laugh. Laying his head on the newsdesk, nosegrease smearing the cheap glass top, his whole body convulsed with quiet, inexplicable laughter.
Eyes narrowed in confusion, the men behind the cameras turned to one another. Of course, no one understood.
"Hey, Tony? You OK man?" Dave laid his hand on the shaking back of TK. It was only when he heard the light squish under his foot that he realized he'd stepped in something wet.
Beneath his shoe, blood soaked the cheap newsroom floor. Uncapped pen, and a stained pantleg of an extravagantly expensive suit.
Frightened, Dave looked back at Tony whose laughter had grown only a small amount more audible.
Dave met Tony's eyes, and they stared intently into his own. Bloodshot, tearing up, and maniac. Dave had never felt so chilled.
It wouldn't be the biggest chill of his life, however. That would come some three (3) years later when he realized that he was bald at 28, and still without a wife. Still, close second (2nd) right?
And for one of those grand, strange, uknowable moments, two (2) brothers wept witout any idea why.
Everywhere across town, things were at peace. Jeffy Coitus slept soundly in the soft, hairy arms of Nastasya Norina.
END CHAPTER 7 (SEVEN)
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