Chapter 8 (Eight) - Jeffy Coitus Sleeps Soundly With New Caretakers
0. 1581 (Fifteen Eighty One)
1. 1657 (Sixteen Fifty Seven)
2. 2043 (Twenty Forty Three)
3. 2373 (Twenty Three Seventy Three)
4. 1891 (Eighteen Ninety One)
5. 1520 (Fifteen Twenty)
6. 2080 (Twenty Eighty)
7. 1996 (Nineteen Ninety Six)
If this story is
O
ne thing th
en it's certainly
Confusing.
And sometimes
The readers are confused.
But not today.
Today's chapter will be very straightforward.
To prove this, I began it with a list of numbers I'm not going to bother explaining.
It's not confusing! Figure it out! Seriously, how will I ever be considered a high caliber friend to you if all I do is hold your hand, and give you everything (even that which could be deduced with only a little bit of thinking!) straight up like I would serve you a poisoned muffin?
Precisely my point. You don't want poison muffin friendship do you?
Well, that's not the issue here.
What's the issue is the confusing state of affairs. And let's face it, sometimes, people get confused.
The paramedics who came in to carry Tony Kinter down to their ambulance were highly confused. As was the entire Espantosoville/Currantboraboratown broadcast area as to why "The Voice Of The Ville" was no longer reading their news, and instead some obnoxious guy from the noon show was.
He had a big nose. They didn't like that. Nobody does.
But sometimes, in my rather large opinion, a big nose doesn't make any difference.
You don't agree? Well fuck yourself then. It's my opinion, and that's the one that makes the world go round.
I took that line from a Golden Girls episode. I'm not even kidding.
One of the confused was Kiley Merona.
Brushing her red hair, which, since last you met her, had grown down to her ass (OK, so it was right above her ass), Kiley didn't know what happened to the newsguy.
"Tubs, what happened to that strange asshole who was reporting the news? Does he always disappear like that?"
"Oh..." her friend Devon "Tubs" Toddlebreath looked up from her chest, over to the television. "Not usually..."
Kiley, like most sane people, did not waste her time on television news. Thus, her uninitiation on the matter is not to be viewed as a sign of ignorance.
As you already know, Kiley Merona was quite clever.
Kiley Merona is the most dangerous person in this story. Write that down. Seriously, get a piece of paper and a pencil and mark it down.
K I L E Y M E R O N A
"You planning on staying long, Kay?" Devon asked, his dark skin covered in sweat. He had to shit (this was not the cause of his perspiration).
Hearing her old nickname made her shudder through the 86 (EIGHTY Six) degree heat. "Well, I think I might go back to that hotel in Chanbara. I mean, it's an hour drive though."
"I've offered to let you stay here about six (6) times now... you really don't have to hint anymore that you'd like to."
Scoffing half-heartedly, she smiled at him. Her lips were wet and red, Devon would note. "If I wanted to stay in your Turkish Prison Apartment Complex I'd say so. You know me."
"And I thought your recent stint of homelessness might have made you a more agreeable person. I'm gonna take a shit," his six and a half (six and a half) feet of lanky body with a side of personality rose and headed towards the toilet.
Kiley grimaced, then swung her thin, pale legs over the arm of her recliner. Her cell phone's battery fell out of the left pocket of her sort-of-too-small shorts. The phone lay safe on her right.
Aren't you confused?!
The battery had been out of her phone for a couple days. Since after she'd gone to Mollie's funeral. OK, so maybe a little after that too.
And everyday since then she'd been reconnecting with all the loose ends she left waiting when she walked out of Espantosoville. I don't mean she literally walked out, idiot. She drove.
For three days she'd been coming to Devon's apartment where they had been reconnecting. And by reconnecting I mean fucking. Except for the day he went to a housefire to play a show, or something like that.
Yesterday.
In the background, the news droned on, as she flipped the battery between fingers. Being against her hip all day, it was quite warm. Like everything else around her, within her, about her.
She wasn't sure she'd cooled down in seven (seven) days. And she wasn't sure why she'd come back, either.
No, that was for dramatic effect.
Kiley Merona knew exactly why she was back in town. And she knew exactly why she couldn't leave yet. She knew exactly why her phone battery was out. And she knew exactly why she wasn't putting it back in. She knew exactly why she was loitering around Tubs' apartment with no intention of sleeping there. And she knew exactly why tonight she would sleep in her car.
As you already know, Kiley Merona was quite clever.
The toilet flushed loudly, and she anticipated the door clicking open. But it didn't. Men.
She laid the battery on top of her phone, and slid them into her purse. Mollie's obituary lay crinkled just inside.
Everyone at Mollie's funeral was shocked at her presence.
It wasn't her first Norina funeral. Unfortonately, everyone laid the blame for the previous one on her. And they weren't wrong.
There were news cameras all around outside. Harried ushers tried to push back obnoxious 15 and 16 (FIFTEEN and SIXTEEN) reporters.
Kiley had left her home on bad terms with her parents, like everyone. Thus her wardrobe selection was somewhat pitiful. And her black skirt and sweater were under-dressing at best, and inappropriate at worst. To say the sweater was low cut would be a kindness undue.
To be blunt, she looked a little slutty.
Nastasya spotted her immediately as she walked through the front door, past a surly looking old man smoking what appeared to be a thin. Ha ha ha.
Kiley didn't immediately see Nastasya, or her mother Ellie. Nor did she see Mollie, but a lot of that was probably the closed-casket-so-as-not-to-reveal-the-bullet-wound.
Fortunately, when Derek Norina died, the drugs didn't do anything to his physique. The open casket was lovely (as an old crusty woman who smelled too strongly of perfume said later, unaware that the funeral's pariah was standing next to her- You know the kind, who always have a thin crust of dried skin across their face and refuse to wax the moustache).
The service was ho hum. Most funeral services are. Some nice things were said, none of the bad things were said.
Of course, there was that one interesting part... OK, I'll tell you what the guy said.
And no, I don't know who he was. Maybe a pastor. She didn't tell me.
"Perhaps the greatest mark of Mollie's kindness, being only 26 (twinty sicks) and recently single, she still decided to go through with adopting a small baby whose parents were unable to raise him. Young Jeffy Coitus, adopted by a wonderful, caring young lady, our Mollie Norina. Jeffy was in the car at the time of his mother's passing, and I thank God, as I'm sure we all do, that the young boy will have no memory of these events. Praise the lord for this small happiness, and for the wonderful sister who survives Mollie. I'm speaking of course of Nastasya, who agreed immediately to take in the young child and care for him.
"We all feel deeply for the Norina family. Mollie will be missed in a way that few women passing from this world are. But a small boy will be given a wonderful home, and a wonderful upbringing now, thanks to her love, thanks to God's love that shone from her bright, bright eyes. Now, let us pray for her soul, and for the soul of Jeffy, and Nastasya, and all the Norina family. Oh Lord..."
With a shocked expression, Kiley stared at the stoic and somber Nastasya, sitting next to her mother.
Something from her history with Derek clicked. Even though Nastasya had always hated her, she pitied her. She felt a sympathy she wasn't sure was sincere. Then she remembered all the cruelty of Nastasya.
Nastasya was a balanced girl until around Kiley Merona. Kiley Merona might not have been a balanced girl, but she was never so vengeful as when around Nastasya.
For obvious reasons!
After the service, as the pallbearers came in, Nastasya walked directly to Kiley. Her heeled step was quick and sharp, like bayonets into the flesh of church floors.
"I'm confused, Kiley. Why are you here?" she asked, her green eyes flared in barely-disguised fury.
"I... just thought I'd come to apologize for your loss. I knew Mollie pretty well, Nastasya," Kiley felt pushed back by the personality bearing down on her. Many claim they feel that way in Nastasya's presence.
Eyes rolling as she scoffed, Nastasya fired back, "Oh thank you so much for your sincerest condolences. I think you just like watching my family shrink, Kiley. God knows you've been all apologies for two years now!"
Hate spun in razor-edged, tight circles of fury behind her dark blue eyes. She wanted nothing more than to sink something sharp into the small-breasted chest of Nastasya Norina. Her tongue flicked angrily across her slightly uneven teeth.
"I think I'll go now..." she said, control coming at great effort. Until she realized the weapon in her hand.
"Nastasya!" she shouted as she turned back. Quickly, Nastasya's head jerked back. "It's so great of you to adopt that baby! Jeffy was it? Just thought I'd tell you."
If a smile could be sinister, evil, and extremely satisfying all at once, then Kiley Merona was wearing it as she walked out of the church, past a Home Exteriors table next to an open van.
"Cold. Cold. Cold. Kiley."
Turning slowly, KM saw someone she thought she should recognize, but couldn't think of her name. It's that confusing sort of situation where you talk to someone and say later "OH MAN I SO KNEW THAT PERSON BUT I COULDN'T THINK OF THEIR NAME!!!!!!!!"
"Oh, no, I was being sincere..."
What struck her most instantly was this woman's hair. It was short, light blonde, and swung back over her ears, without managing to cover her neck. It was complicated, but somehow attractive.
"Kiley, in all the time I've known you, I've never known you to be sincere," she smiled lightly, laying a cold, long-fingered hand on KM's arm.
Recognition still did not manage to even approach.
"My name is Caitlyn, did you forget me?"
7 (neveS) days, 4 (ruoF) fucks, 6 (xiS) blowjobs, spare moments of sleep, a phone without a battery, and 1 (enO) young man released from a box later, Devon "Tubs" Toddlebreath finished wiping his ass and walked out of his bathroom.
Unwashed hands. Interestingly enough, the strange poetry of the universe will cause him to die from an infection that could've been avoided had he just taken up good handwashing habits.
It's confusing how some people lose their lives for the silliest reasons.
Like Derek Norina.
He stepped back into the room, Kiley had switched off the TV and laid back in her chair. Eyes closed, he knew she wasn't sleeping. But he still took the chance to eye her rack anyways.
"Our last story of the night is truly a strange one. Police are reporting to us tonight that a strange 'Deviant's Brothel' has been discovered near the county line. They discovered it two nights ago, after responding to what neighbors described as 'Frightening shouts.' Dixie Lunsford is on site with details..."
Tubs giggled. "Hey, two nights ago, that's when you first came over and we fu-"
The look on Kiley Merona's face, fury, anger, what have you, cut him short. Not out of kindness for her feelings, of course.
9/10 men weigh all interpersonal reactionary options with the grand judge of the libido.
And I'm sure you find that the least confusing detail yet.
END CHAPTER 8 (EIGHT)
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